Two Truths.

So the thought of writing out this stuff has been pestering me for awhile. I feel a bit nervous about expressing this, but....

Here goes.

I work out. At the gym. I weight lift. I've mentioned it online a few times just recently, but I've been weight lifting since April 7, 2014. For the first time ever, in the recap of last week my workout app told me (above) that I got a great workout (dark blue) on every part of my body. Mostly I get some grey or light blue. I got very, very excited about this.

And uncomfortable.

I haven't mentioned my working out until recently because I feel awkward about it. Part of me is embarrassed that I weight lift. And not just that. I weight lift 6 days a week. Sometimes I do HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training). But not too much because I've been converted to the weight lifting method.
Lift Heavy.
Minimize Cardio.
Most days I do yoga during the boys nap. I eat a LOT for someone who is dieting, but I eat a specific number of calories every day and I weigh all my food. I don't eat cheat meals. I don't eat cheat foods. I eat chicken and broccoli and quinoa. Baby carrots are starting to look vindictive to me, but I eat them anyway. I eat in macros: a specific balance of carbs, proteins and fats every day. I think about "gains," as in muscle gains. I take supplements.
BCAA's
Acetyl L Carnitine
Fish Oils
Daily Vitamin
Creatine
Tonalin CLA,
Whey Protein Isolate
Casein Protein
I know what each supplement does. I weigh the spinach that I eat. I carb cycle. (Rotating my calories and carb macros to be higher and lower on different days) I drink a gallon of water a day. I go to bed between 8 and 9pm so that I can get up by 5 to go work out.

Recently I have felt a bit insane. Who does that? How did this happen? Who am I?

Well.
Truth.
Last year in February I had my sweet little Graham and postpartum depression kicked in. Exercise has always helped me get through rough emotional times. The endorphins get me through the day. In the past I've done mostly cardio based exercise along with yoga. This time I needed something new and different. I felt burned out of the exercise stuff I'd done before. So Evan recommended weight lifting.

On April 7th with my new weight lifting app in hand I went to the gym on my own and began a workout plan for beginners. I felt so uncomfortable in the gym and agonizingly unsure of anything I did. I prayed that no one was looking at me or my post pregnancy body. I would love to say that I wasn't self-conscious of my baby belly, but I'll be honest, in the wee hours of the gym world, you pretty much only see really in shape people.
And me.

I'd stick in my earbuds, ignore everyone, and lift (semi)heavy stuff. Luckily the app I found was very thorough, I'd watch videos of each lift the night before to make sure I knew the right technique, or what the heck they were talking about at all. I just followed the program that I picked and it told me what to do everyday. I didn't see much progress. But I felt a difference. A huge difference. The days I worked out, I got through the day. I played with my kids. I was more awake. I saw clearer and I felt more alive.

And then the rest of 2014 happened. Rough times.

When I started weight lifting in April I went 3 to 4 days a week and skipped when I felt like it. By the end of 2014, I needed more. I never missed a workout. Snow, freezing temperatures, no sleep. It didn't matter. I went to the gym and it kept me sane. But I wasn't seeing results. I got stronger slowly, but I wasn't pushing too hard, so it was Slooooow. I think I lost 7 pounds in 9 months of consistent effort.
S.L.O.W.

In January I got an email from my workout app that told me about a body transformation competition worth $80k if you win. It was free to enter, so I decided to go all in. What do I have to lose? I needed a big goal, something crazy to pull me out of myself and give me something to focus on. So I committed. To win. To do whatever it took to win. It started on January 11th and it ends April 5th.

I started doing research and asking questions to the killer in shape people at my gym. I picked a harder workout program and have been pushing myself to lift heavier and eat cleaner.
I grunt and make faces.
I lift to failure.
I learned about macros and nutrition.
I use MyFitnessPal every day.
I've discovered some really delicious healthy food, but I've eaten a lot of broccoli and lean turkey deli meat just cause it fit in my macros. I actually do the things that killer in shape people do. And it is hard! H.A.R.D.

And I am 100% beyond shocked at what has happened. I am getting into shape. Part of me feels dishonest about it. Who am I to be in shape? I feel embarrassed to talk to people about working out and I feel half ashamed if they notice that I am getting in better shape. At the same time, I want to talk about it because I'm excited about my results.
Excited like Graham eating his first brownie ever.
Surprised like 4th of July fireworks in February.
I catch a glance of myself in the mirror and I stop and stare, bewildered at the person looking back at me. A couple weeks ago I rested my head in my hand and I jumped and started touching my jawline...I have one now. Progress has happened so fast I haven't had a chance to get used to it.

Before I got married I did cardio and cut out all sugar and got fairly thin, but I have never before felt so strong. Strong and flexible. It is blowing my mind how awesome I feel in my skin. Like severe culture shock, but inside my own body. I am starting to see the hints of muscles in my back. I can see my biceps for the first time in my life.

The weirdest thing is that my self image is starting to change. I am beginning to think of myself as a fit person. Quite honestly, it scares me a little.

I have a new goal that is uncomfortable for me to admit. I am going to see my abs. Whether or not I ever win anything, I am going to keep working until I can see my abs, because for me, that is the impossible. It is a goal so far out of reach that when I reach it I will know that I can do almost anything. I know it's crazy, but I actually believe I'm going to get there.

I don't know if super fitness is just a phase for me or if it will be the new norm.
No clue.

The truth that I will take away from this experience is that every single daily choice matters and I am in charge. I can't control what happens to me, but I choose who I am.
Each choice I make creates something.
The more knowledge I gain, the more intentional I am in my choices, the more I will get exactly what I want.
The faster and more consistently I make those choices, the quicker I get what I want.
It may seem like a cheesy kind of truth, and I've sorta known it my whole life. But now, I actually know it.
I can see it.
I can touch it.
I can hardly recognize myself because of it.

The other truth I absolutely know, is that the day I see my abs I am going to find the biggest, juiciest burger in town, and I am going to eat it along with a whole plateful of fatty fries. I'm going to buy a pint of the richest ice cream I can get and cuddle on the couch with my incredibly supportive husband while I eat every last bite.
Because let's face it, a little bit, food really is love.
I'm Shiraki at heart and you will never convince me otherwise.